I was thinking about my blog while dabbling in a sea of blue paint. I have neglected my little blog for awhile...feeling like no one was listening and who really cares if I wrote something.
Yes, I am painting again, albeit some what rusty, I am applying brush to canvas. Once more my friend creativity has reared her fickle head and allowed the paint gods to communicate with me. I was in such a state after the *B.T.E, (for those of you who don't know me personally I refer to my "Big Tragic Event" in the short form).....I just couldn't be bothered with painting, it was just another thing I had to take care of and with my plate being very full with grief, remorse, would haves, should haves, blah blah ..I could not be bothered.
I filled my time with procrastination, cultivating dust bunnies, and an insane amount of shopping. I took the time to learn about wine, beer, vodka and other liquor based fundamentals. I studied languages by watching scads of foreign films and I am proud to say I am now bilingual in various video stores around the city. During my sabbatical I refused to answer the phone, talking to people was the last thing I wanted to do. People annoyed me... and I often told the dog scandalous things I knew about the so called friend who dared to interrupt my grief. Who does she think she is...
But one day the sun shone....I didn't feel so sluggish and my road rage was well within limits. My consumption of alcohol was brought under control and waking up didn't seem such a chore. I wasn't sure what this sensation was but I felt...dare I say it content. I felt lighter then I had in a long time(which is surprising because grieving can make you gain weight) but now I wanted to get moving. I dusted off the easel, reused some old canvas and scrubbed some forgotten brushes clean..
I cranked up the old itunes and painted along to the music. It was incredible how great I felt. Yes, the painting was rough going...paint flying all over but I didn't care...I imagine this is what it feels like to fly. The canvas is coming to life before your eyes...and I did this. It can be a very powerful feeling. Perhaps it means little to you, but life can rob you of joy and no one can take this moment away from me. I am happy and at peace for this moment. It's a little like sex...you are very in tune with your body, you have reached the peak...all systems are go...its very freeing.
She came to life and I felt like talking. We had a great conversation about what to have for dinner, the latest book I was reading or general juicy gossip . Her all knowing understanding silence was a commanding audience. I get very attached to my girls until it's time for them to move on. She posed for the camera, I toasted her with a glass of Merlot, and for the first time in along while I felt like sharing it with you.
(* my BTE was one of my children was in a horrible car accident that left my child permanently changed for life. I lost the person they were that day and they will never have the bright future they so deserved. This happened right after the twentieth birthday as they were taking their own steps out in to this world. Grieving happens to a parent even if if they survived. A right frontal brain injury changed my child's future(through no fault of their own) and the family dynamics deteriorated. We all grief in our own ways and on our own time..this is my journey)