Monday, November 5, 2007

Bad Company

Yesterday my old friend grief decided to pay me a visit. Like an unwelcoming guest he made his presence known, walking in totally unannounced.I should have expected a visit. I had that feeling again, a sense of change.

Everyone has lost someone before. Loss is a part of life. Three years ago grief decided to move right in. He was never invited and for a short while I hardly knew he was there. My mind was only half working and trying to pin point why I felt so awful was the last of my worries. Soon grief reared his ugly head demanding more and more of my time. My life was spiraling out of control and I let grief take over. Like any bad room mate grief invaded my every space. I began to cry and isolate myself. I dropped friends and avoided phone calls. I drank and ate myself into a coma...anything to numb the pain. I tossed, I turfed, purging myself of memories and possessions. I shopped,I surfed, I wasted time and money. I slept, I was always so tired, my bed my best friend. I spent a lot of time doing singular things, yet I was never alone. Where ever I went grief followed. I hated everyone and everything. I became very very angry. I relied heavily on grief, always feeling his presence. Like a comforting blanket, grief was there to cover me from the world. Time marched on and grief was always a true friend.

Like any friendship, there were highs and lows. The old me was in there screaming to come out. Once I attempted a laugh, but that's when grief brought company home. Guilt and remorse showed up one day and made themselves comfortable. They hung about all day sponging off me and talking to grief behind my back. I soon felt like a third wheel. I saw the ugly side of grief and began to look at him differently. I no longer saw a friend. I no longer wanted to be with him all the time. I started to leave grief behind more and more. I began to see the sun, I could hear the birds sing. I could laugh again and began to move. I felt lighter and brighter.

Grief could sense me pull away. Like a jilted lover, grief tightened his hold. Sometimes I felt it, sometimes I chose to ignore it. Grief began to annoy me, pester me and made me feel desperate to be free. A confrontation was brewing, it was time for a change. One bright sunny day I sat grief down and said it was time to make a change in our living arrangements. I was grateful for all he had done but that I was going to continue on my journey with out him. He had been a grate sense of comfort but I was going to try it alone. Some guest never want to leave the party and like to cause a fuss. Grief was no different. He started to squawk in vain but could see my mind was made up. Soon he was gone but traces of him still exist. But my home felt bright and airy for the first time in a long time.

I have days when I have set backs, grief still has my address. He visits less and less. I never not remember, not a day goes by. Some memories bring smiles and can make you laugh. But then there are the dark and painful ones. They can trigger an attack. Grief will pop in and bring one of his nosey friends. His trusted side kick Why Me accompanies him alot. He comes in and puts his feet up and gives you a blank stare. Like a moody teenager he never really says much but gives plenty of attitude. He sulks and rolls his eyes and makes the room feel dark. I have spent some time with him before but I barely give him the time a day now.

When your a parent with grief there is a under lying sadness, there is always something missing. When you think about what might have been and what will never be, you become very weak. That's when grief will show up disguised as something else. You think you have a flu and begin to feel weak and cold. You can get a nasty headache that no aspirin will erase. Yesterday was my day. I was feel slightly achy on Friday, Flu like on Saturday. I thought I was just over tired. I thought all my renovations were catching up with me. I thought wrong.

I woke up and knew I was not alone. It was a dark day even though the sun was shining. Grief had showed up and I felt horrible, achy and sad. I made coffee and cried. I took a long time trying to get dressed for comfort. I ran through the grocery store only picking up what I needed and getting out as fast as possible.Grief was barking at my heels. I took the dog for a walk on a path I knew I would not see anyone. The sun was so warm and the bright fall colors made me annoyed. Grief was whispering in my ear. I was a black rain cloud, that threatened to ruin the day. My headache had started to blind me. I fell into my over sized bed and rested for a long while dozing and watching an old movie. I tried to ignore that bright ball of sun knocking at my window. Grief kept nattering away,I turned up the volume and drowned him out. Avoidance is good. Slowly I tuned him out. I didn't feel so soar anymore. I got out of bed and moved about doing normal things. Laundry, dishes, these things are good. Busy hands, quiet mind. I like the silence. A friend calls, I cry to her. She tries to understand, she listens. I am feeling so much better. Some where as the sun is going down I hear a door close off in the distance. Good bye grief...don't let the door hit you on your way out. Next time don't stay so long. I wish he would lose my address.


BaldyLocks said...

You have been through so much in the last few years. Grief has been picking on you. That's why I kick his ass whenever he shows his face at my place.

I guess I can't say that because I think he's bunking over here tonight.

You deserve to be sad for sure. You also deserve to see the sunshine and the people who are waiting for you. Everything takes time, including healing. I hope you come out to play soon.

Real Diva Designs said...

I feel a lot brighter today..its amazing what a day of nuturing can do for ones self...the sun helped today..tell grief there is no room in the in and kick him to the curve